Why This?

Well, I got banned for 30 days from Facebook just for suggesting that Trump be treated like the traitor that he is:

I mean, that’s what they do to traitors, right?
Anywho, I can sit here and rail against the wacky and hypocritical community standards Facebook uses, but what’s the point? It’s all been said, and complaining about it will achieve nothing.
So I made this blog to have a place to post my thoughts on everything that’s going on right now, and because I miss all my friends. I feel like I have some people who count on me as a bright spot in the world, or at least a voice of calm and reason during troubling times. You know, when I’m not calling for the execution of the President.
And of course, I might just be a raging narcissist who’s missing his fix. Personally, I think I’m too full of self loathing to be a narcissist, but who knows? Mental disorders are confusing.
Let me catch you up on my life really quick. I’m still riddled with anxiety about what’s going on with unemployment. I haven’t been able to collect in nearly a month, and I’m broke. PA is having glitches and issues with their website and accounts are getting deleted and payments aren’t going out. I can’t even try claiming my money until this Sunday(the 10th), and I’m not sure that I’ll be able to then. Some people are saying that the state won’t be able to start sending out money until the 16th, and in that case, I’m really in trouble. Looks like I’m going to be heading to the pawn shop. I didn’t get any stimulus, and I don’t think that I will at this point. The only chance I have is to claim it on my 2020 taxes, but I can’t even get my 1099 form from unemployment to file. If I do get it, it won’t be for months. Thanks IRS!
I have started getting out and hiking most days. I like the woods, and there are plenty of trails around here. Thing is, walking through the woods and having quiet time isn’t as relaxing as they make it sound. It gives me more time to think, and that means focusing on irrational fears, which really ratchets up the anxiety. I also apparently have PTSD from that time the bear ate my finger, because I keep thinking about how there might be bears in the woods, and I have a low grade panic going on most of the time as I listen intently for any bear that might be approaching. Never mind that they are hibernating right now, and no one has been attacked by a bear in my area for decades. Like I said, mental disorders are confusing.
I’m still sticking to my diet and cooking up a storm, although my weight loss has slowed a bit. My body has adapted to less calories, and it’s harder to drop weight as fast as I was. I have lost over 45 lbs since October, but only 5 lbs of that has come in the last few weeks. The stress has me eating a little more than I should some days, even if it is healthy food. Luckily, the depression makes me go without eating some days, so there’s a silver lining. My anxiety and depression are working hand in hand for a better me! Mental disorders are confusing.
I’m trying to stay positive though, and I’m hanging in there. When I feel like it’s all pointless and maybe it’s just too much to go on, I make myself do something productive. It might just be cleaning the kitchen or taking the trash out, but accomplishing anything makes me feel better. I am writing most every day, and working on stuff that you will all see at some point.
I also think of all of you. I always tell you how my friends are an inspiration, and I mean that. I know that a lot of you are dealing with worse stuff than me, and yet you are all strong and still going on. A lot of you have helped me out, and I can’t even begin to thank you enough. They say “hell is other people,” but other people can be heaven as well.
I spent a lot of my life convincing myself that I was a misanthrope and that I hated people, but I realized some time ago that it’s not true. I wanted to hate people, mostly because I had been treated badly throughout the first half of my life. I learned to play defense, because I had to in order to survive. I finally realized that I needed to examine my worldview, and let some walls down. What I found is that most people are good, or at the very least they are harmless. When you open yourself up to possibilities, you find some good things.
What also changed is that I found better people. Social media opened up the world to me, and I have found so many lovely people online. I guess I found my tribe, which is a term that I hate, but I’ll allow it here. The thing about my tribe is that most of them don’t want to be part of a tribe. They are individual and critical thinkers and wary of crowds. In fact, a bunch of them are damaged just like me. We have a lot of shared experiences in our lives, and we seem to have the same anxieties and existential dread. We also have the same sense of humor, and the same empathy and kindness and love that threatens to make our hearts burst with it all, even as it breaks our hearts at the same time. But yeah, mostly the existential dread.
Like I said, mental disorders are confusing, but at least you can still bond over them.

P.S. You can also follow me on Instagram and Twitter:

https://www.instagram.com/leifye1/

https://twitter.com/DavidFerraris