The other morning I had to take a friend to the hospital for surgery. She had to be there at 5am, so I was on the road to her place at 4:15. It felt weird driving at that time of the morning, at least driving completely sober and well rested. In my life experience, driving at that time usually meant that I was on my way home from a long night out. I hadn’t been in that situation for over a decade, so while the feeling was one of some vague familiarity, it also had the weird sensation of being strange and new.
Obviously, you notice that there are less people on the roads. Almost no one is on the road in the residential areas you drive through, but it’s even the same on the highways. It’s always strange in those early hours of the morning when you’re on what’s normally a very busy highway, but there are only a set of tail lights way off in front of you that you can barely make out, and far off headlights behind you that barely register in the rearview mirror. If you get to a bend in the road, you can’t see either, and it’s like you’re alone in a long expanse of deserted road.
The city streets are empty as well. On the way over to her house, I didn’t really pay that much attention to it. It was early, and I was still shaking the sleep off and trying to focus on driving. I am not a morning person, and unless it’s the aforementioned situation of still being up from the night before, I am definitely not a very early morning person.
I picked her up, and took her to the hospital, dropped her off, and then headed back home to get a little more sleep and wait for them to call and give me a time when I could pick her back up and take her home.
As I started the drive home, I decided to take the long way, and go directly through the city streets. I didn’t know when I would have the chance again to experience the city while it was still asleep, and see small parts of it just starting to wake up.
The first thing I noticed was that some of the places that used to be open for 24 hours like convenience stores and gas stations, and even the supermarket, are now closed at night. Just one more thing the pandemic has changed.
I got stuck behind a garbage truck. Apparently that never changes. Garbagemen are still working on these cold dark mornings. I was annoyed for a split second that I had to wait to get around them, but I quickly checked myself. It’s funny how you are conditioned in so many ways. Whenever I have to come to a stop for garbage trucks, delivery trucks, school buses, construction, even briefly, I get instantly irate. I often think to myself that they should do that stuff at night, when people aren’t on the roads, and I realized that these garbagemen were doing just that. Besides, I purposely took the long way so I could meander and experience the city at dawn, so what was my hurry? The world has conditioned us to expect instant gratification and view any tiny inconvenience as unacceptable. I did that thing where I had the same minor epiphany where I realized that I had to work on readjusting my head and get some realistic expectations. Then I instantly forgot it when I came to a red light at a completely deserted intersection, and spent my time waiting for the light to change by grousing about how they should have some kind of sensor so the lights would change for the lone person waiting to go.
I didn’t notice any buses running, but it was only a little past five, so it might have been too early. I did see some people here and there walking on the sidewalks. When you see people out at 3am in the city, your first instinct might be to wonder what they are up to. Maybe I just spent too much of my life around drunks and drug addicts and dealers and other seedy characters to have an objective viewpoint, but I always assume something illegal or at least a little shady is going on. Not that I care. That’s one of the things I like about the city. I like that there’s a slightly nefarious underbelly to it.
Thing is, it was 5am, so I realized that most people I saw walking in the early morning winter chill on a Wednesday were probably on their way to work or somewhere normal and above board. I reflected on how privileged my life was that it could take me a moment to comprehend that not everyone has a car or works a regular nine to five job. I should be painfully aware of that, because for 12 years or so in the 80’s and 90’s, I had a job like that. I used to work for a construction company, and I had to start work at 6am, sometimes earlier. I also lived 90 minutes away from where I worked, so I was usually on the road a little after 4am. That’s when I first noticed those long stretches of empty highway. In some ways, it was a very peaceful feeling, but many days it fueled my anxiety. These were the days before everyone had cell phones, and if I broke down or had an accident in the middle of nowhere, I was stuck. It was best not to think about it, but every time the car made a weird noise or the engine stuttered for a second, your mind started racing.
I also got to experience the early morning city thing. I worked in Paterson, NJ, which was not the best neighborhood. You crushed crack vials under your feet as you walked into the yard at work, and I had my car broken into multiple times while it was parked on the street in front of work, even in broad daylight. I was accustomed to seeing people still hanging out on street corners at 5am, dealing drugs, hooking, whatever. There were times I had to go to construction jobs in NYC that started at 6am, so I was driving through the streets in the five boroughs at 4 or 5am.
The difference between Manhattan at 5am and the small Pennsylvania city of Allentown is pretty striking. New York never sleeps, so even at 5am, there was a lot of stuff going on. People were in and out of the bodegas and liquor stores at that time, diners were serving breakfast and late night snacks for drunks, bakeries and bagel shops were opening and flooded the streets with delicious aromas. Taxis were dropping people off and picking people up, or simply tearing up and down the streets faster than they should. Life was generally carrying on. I used to love that time in New York, that mixture of people just starting their day and others just finishing their’s. It was still the city, but it wasn’t as hectic and congested. You rarely saw anyone in a business suit at that hour. You saw some people still dressed up, because they had been out all night, or were making that walk of shame. The thing about the city is that no one seemed ashamed about it anyway. The city takes on a different character at night, and when the sun starts coming up, you see it slowly change back into its daytime skin.
Now, at dawn on a Wednesday in Allentown, that transformation was happening as well. The convenience stores and gas stations were opening, and traffic was starting to pick up. I saw a bus pulling over at its stop to let a sole passenger get on. As I parked in front of my apartment complex, I noticed people getting in their cars to head off to work. I saw a mother bundling her small kids into the car, probably to drop them off at daycare before she went to work. I saw some people walking their dogs, which had probably whined and danced at their sleepy owners because they had to go to the bathroom after a night’s sleep. I heard the birds chirping, and reminisced how that sound usually meant that I had stayed up all night partying, and signaled the beginning of regret.
As I walked into my apartment, I was thinking about all of this. I had planned to come home and go right back to bed, and wait for the phone call from the hospital to wake me up and tell me to come back and pick up my friend, but now I rethought that strategy. I was up, and wide awake now. Maybe I would go for a walk down at the park, then come home and cook a big breakfast. Maybe I could get a jump on some of the stuff I had to do today.
Maybe I was a morning person after all.
Saturday, January 23, 2021
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
On Inauguration Day
So the nightmare we’ve been forced to endure these last four years is finally over. We made it! Of course, 400,000 plus didn’t make it. A bunch of other people fared much worse than us in that time. Still, the vast majority of us came through it relatively untouched. I realize that “relatively” is a relative word(how meta!), and we have all had to deal with something horrible from this administration’s time in power. Besides the pain in the economic and civil rights areas, many of us now have PTSD, and our faith in the system and the rest of humankind is shaken. It seems like the country is a mess and our democracy in tatters, and it feels like we will never be the same again. We won’t be, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
The last four years has made us stronger. It has tempered us like steel. It has shown us the areas we need to work on, and the pitfalls to avoid. It has taught us where we need to put safeguards so this never happens again. Everything is a gift you can use to learn and grow, if you teach yourself how to view it properly.
We learned that one third of an entire third of this country’s population is irredeemable. The rest of that third is no cakewalk either, but it is manageable. We also learned that the worst people will out themselves eventually. They cannot hide who they are, and while we were happy to let them hide and ignore the fact that they existed for decades until Trump’s rhetoric called to them like a siren song, we don’t want them to go back into the shadows. We want them to expose who they really are, so we can neuter them. So we can shame them. We should want to do better than that, we should want to deprogram and reteach them. Some people you can’t reach, that’s a fact, so those people must be held accountable and shown that they can’t be a part of society if they can’t figure it out.
The horror of the last four years, and especially the last few weeks has taught us how fragile our democracy is in some areas. It was one last parting gift to make sure we noticed all the stuff we were witness to during this regime. What we do with all that information and warnings is up to us, but I believe it will get better. I believe that enough people have seen the truth of where we stand as a nation and just how bad things are in certain areas. Because of this whole fiasco, a whole bunch of people are now motivated to get involved and fix our country. The next generation of leaders has already formed, filled with righteous anger and determination forged in the crucible of one of the darkest periods this nation has ever navigated. We are all so much stronger now.
Which is a good thing, because the fight isn’t over yet. We have taken the hill though, and we are fighting from the high ground. I know that it’s hard to feel confident and in control after four years of abuse and mayhem, but the battle’s tide has turned. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you have no power. We have the power now, and we must use it to transform the country. We can’t think small, we can’t convince ourselves that we should be happy for breadcrumbs. We should demand everything we can dream of, and not look back. We should crush the things that have held us back for so long, and we should learn to believe in that utopia we can envision. You know the one, where people get fair treatment and corruption is not tolerated. Where there is equality in all forms, and people who work themselves to death have something to show for it, and all the money doesn’t go to a privileged few. We should have healthcare and living wages and quality education. We should eliminate systemic racism and get religious dogma out of government. There are a million things we can improve on, because that’s what this country has been doing from the start. America didn’t just become America when some revolutionaries drew up a declaration and a constitution. That was the birth of an idea; a vision of what America could be.
We’ve been working on fulfilling that dream ever since, and we still have a lot of work to do. You’re a part of that. You’ve done a lot of the really hard part already. After four years of playing defense and laying low, now it’s time to go on the defensive and sweep down across the battlefield. Now is the time to act on everything we’ve been preparing ourselves for all these years. Now it’s time to show what true patriots can accomplish, not by rioting and spewing hatred, but by using the powers of government and the rights afforded us to peacefully demand a change.
So now I’m going to go watch an inauguration for the first time in my life and bask in the normalcy of a functioning government and the decency of a man who will actually care about the country again.
The last four years has made us stronger. It has tempered us like steel. It has shown us the areas we need to work on, and the pitfalls to avoid. It has taught us where we need to put safeguards so this never happens again. Everything is a gift you can use to learn and grow, if you teach yourself how to view it properly.
We learned that one third of an entire third of this country’s population is irredeemable. The rest of that third is no cakewalk either, but it is manageable. We also learned that the worst people will out themselves eventually. They cannot hide who they are, and while we were happy to let them hide and ignore the fact that they existed for decades until Trump’s rhetoric called to them like a siren song, we don’t want them to go back into the shadows. We want them to expose who they really are, so we can neuter them. So we can shame them. We should want to do better than that, we should want to deprogram and reteach them. Some people you can’t reach, that’s a fact, so those people must be held accountable and shown that they can’t be a part of society if they can’t figure it out.
The horror of the last four years, and especially the last few weeks has taught us how fragile our democracy is in some areas. It was one last parting gift to make sure we noticed all the stuff we were witness to during this regime. What we do with all that information and warnings is up to us, but I believe it will get better. I believe that enough people have seen the truth of where we stand as a nation and just how bad things are in certain areas. Because of this whole fiasco, a whole bunch of people are now motivated to get involved and fix our country. The next generation of leaders has already formed, filled with righteous anger and determination forged in the crucible of one of the darkest periods this nation has ever navigated. We are all so much stronger now.
Which is a good thing, because the fight isn’t over yet. We have taken the hill though, and we are fighting from the high ground. I know that it’s hard to feel confident and in control after four years of abuse and mayhem, but the battle’s tide has turned. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you have no power. We have the power now, and we must use it to transform the country. We can’t think small, we can’t convince ourselves that we should be happy for breadcrumbs. We should demand everything we can dream of, and not look back. We should crush the things that have held us back for so long, and we should learn to believe in that utopia we can envision. You know the one, where people get fair treatment and corruption is not tolerated. Where there is equality in all forms, and people who work themselves to death have something to show for it, and all the money doesn’t go to a privileged few. We should have healthcare and living wages and quality education. We should eliminate systemic racism and get religious dogma out of government. There are a million things we can improve on, because that’s what this country has been doing from the start. America didn’t just become America when some revolutionaries drew up a declaration and a constitution. That was the birth of an idea; a vision of what America could be.
We’ve been working on fulfilling that dream ever since, and we still have a lot of work to do. You’re a part of that. You’ve done a lot of the really hard part already. After four years of playing defense and laying low, now it’s time to go on the defensive and sweep down across the battlefield. Now is the time to act on everything we’ve been preparing ourselves for all these years. Now it’s time to show what true patriots can accomplish, not by rioting and spewing hatred, but by using the powers of government and the rights afforded us to peacefully demand a change.
So now I’m going to go watch an inauguration for the first time in my life and bask in the normalcy of a functioning government and the decency of a man who will actually care about the country again.
Tuesday, January 19, 2021
But first, here's something about dog shit ...
Here are a few things I’m thinking about today. I usually talk about them on Facebook in long stories nobody reads, but I’m doing it here until Facebook lets me out of jail on ... I think the 27th or 28th.
I love dogs. I usually love people who love dogs, but in the same way that there are a lot of people who have kids who shouldn’t be raising kids, there are a lot of shitty dog owners. Literally.
My apartment complex has a dog park across the street. I use the term “dog park” loosely. It’s a fenced area about 40’ x 15’ where people who live here can let their dogs shit. So people stand there while their dogs sniff around the grass deciding where to poop. During that time, most of the dogs bark at everything they see, which dogs are wont to do. The owners never bother to shush them, or try to distract them, which means constant barking for ten or twenty minutes, which is pretty fucking annoying. It’s inconsiderate, especially since it starts at 5am and happens intermittently throughout the day, up until 1am sometimes. I get that dogs bark, and I’m not that put out when it happens at 3 in the afternoon, but try to have some control over your pet while people are sleeping. People who use the park are always complaining about people not picking up after their dogs. The park provides free bags and a receptacle to put them in, yet a good portion of the people who use the park ignore it. The apartment is always sending out emails imploring people to clean up after their pets, but to no avail.
I thought about all this on my morning hike through the woods. About a quarter mile into the woods today, I saw a bag filled with dog poop thrown under a small child’s bench that sits along the path. Someone took the time to bag up their dog’s shit, then just threw it to the side of the trail, right next to where children will be sitting. On the walk, I saw two more bags of dog shit tossed a few feet off the trail. What the fuck is wrong with people?
So after I left the woods and got back in my car, I noticed two women with three dogs. One was on a leash, but the other two were running free. They were all big dogs, mixed breed. The two not on a leash commenced to taking shits on the grass. Not in the woods, but in the grass in the park where kids go to play. The women then proceed to enter the woods with the dogs still not leashed. They didn’t pick up their dog’s shit off the grass. I saw a few people in the woods with dogs, all on leashes, and I hope to God that these inconsiderate moron’s two unleashed dogs don’t fight with them, or go up to them and get attacked. People like that shouldn’t be allowed to own dogs in the first place.
To be clear, it’s not the dog’s fault at all, it’s shitty owners.
Joe Biden has selected Dr. Rachel Levine to be his assistant health secretary. She is the health secretary of Pennsylvania, and has done an amazing job during the pandemic, and she deserves the appointment. She also happens to be transgender. I have watched for the past year as Pennsylvania deplorables posted horrible comments about her and transgender people in general. They mock her about her appearance, make crude jokes about her body and genitals, and spread all kinds of false stories about her and her policies and work. They are out in full force today, on posts by local news sources, making terrible and abusive comments about her and transgender people in general. They purposely call her by her male birth name, and refer to her by the wrong pronoun. These people put hate before their own health and welfare, and the welfare of everyone else. Through it all, she has handled herself with bravery, strength and dignity. She is a hero. Even though I know that Biden selected her because she is qualified and has earned it, I still like to also think of her new appointment as a big fuck you to all the hateful and ignorant pieces of shit who are ruled by blind hatred and fear. She is proof that hate will not win.
It should come as no surprise that the Trump administration has fucked up the Vaccine rollout as well. Now it looks like there aren’t enough vaccines for the people who already got the first shot to get the follow up shot in time. It would be bad enough if that meant that people would have to start over and get two more shots when they are available, but it could mean much worse news than that. You know how people tend to take half their course of antibiotics, then stop halfway because they feel better? That’s how we get antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria. Well viruses and bacteria are very different, and vaccine resistance is rare, but it seems like giving half a dose to millions of people is going to up the odds of that happening with Covid-19. Maybe it won’t at all, I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. Still, it seems like it could be a problem.
Even if that isn’t a danger, it’s still inexcusable how badly Trump and his cronies messed this whole thing up. They are incompetant liars, and have already killed over 400,000 people. Still, morons love and defend him.
I’m worried about violence tomorrow, but I’m going to focus on the fact that the nightmare will be over and enjoy watching politics as usual rather than the shitshow we’ve been forced to endure for four years. Tomorrow will be a little nerve wracking, but it will be healing and inspirational, and I don’t think we’ll see anything too crazy from the fringe.
Biden wasn’t my first choice, but I can honestly say that I believe he wants what’s best and is an honorable human being. I haven’t agreed with all of his choices over the years, and I’m sure that I’ll disagree with some of his positions moving forward, but I’ll take it. That amounts to a ringing endorsement from someone like me, a far far left, pseudo communistic anarchist who’s about as cynical as you get about politics.
I realize that I probably buried the lede by going off on dog shit at the top of all this, but I’m too lazy to reorder it now. Oh well. At least I am putting the least important subject last, and the Mets should be used to last place by now.
Mets fans are all excited because we finally have a new owner, and he’s the richest MLB owner in history. He’s willing to spend whatever it takes to win, so Mets fans are now expecting to win every World Series for the next ten years. It doesn’t really work that way, but still, it feels like an exciting time to be a Mets fan. That said, I almost like it more when the Mets manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory every year. It’s hilarious to watch them and their snake bitten ways over the decades. I am torn between wanting the Mets to spend like crazy and build a powerhouse and destroy the rest of the league, and watching them spend all that money and fall prey to bad luck and injury and off field stuff like they alway do. That’s how the Mets roll. And it’s starting already.
Their new hotshot GM they just hired a few months ago has just gotten fired because he sent a female reporter explicit and unsolicited texts in 2016. I mean, in this day and age, how do the Mets not vet him properly?
To their credit, they fired him immediately, but the Mets often do the right thing. That’s why you have to just laugh at all their misfortune. It isn’t karma. They aren’t bad guys. They aren’t the Yankees, for fucks sake. They play by the rules, they work hard, and they implode nonetheless. Oh well, at least I can still laugh about it after fifty years suffering as a Mets fan ...
I love dogs. I usually love people who love dogs, but in the same way that there are a lot of people who have kids who shouldn’t be raising kids, there are a lot of shitty dog owners. Literally.
My apartment complex has a dog park across the street. I use the term “dog park” loosely. It’s a fenced area about 40’ x 15’ where people who live here can let their dogs shit. So people stand there while their dogs sniff around the grass deciding where to poop. During that time, most of the dogs bark at everything they see, which dogs are wont to do. The owners never bother to shush them, or try to distract them, which means constant barking for ten or twenty minutes, which is pretty fucking annoying. It’s inconsiderate, especially since it starts at 5am and happens intermittently throughout the day, up until 1am sometimes. I get that dogs bark, and I’m not that put out when it happens at 3 in the afternoon, but try to have some control over your pet while people are sleeping. People who use the park are always complaining about people not picking up after their dogs. The park provides free bags and a receptacle to put them in, yet a good portion of the people who use the park ignore it. The apartment is always sending out emails imploring people to clean up after their pets, but to no avail.
I thought about all this on my morning hike through the woods. About a quarter mile into the woods today, I saw a bag filled with dog poop thrown under a small child’s bench that sits along the path. Someone took the time to bag up their dog’s shit, then just threw it to the side of the trail, right next to where children will be sitting. On the walk, I saw two more bags of dog shit tossed a few feet off the trail. What the fuck is wrong with people?
So after I left the woods and got back in my car, I noticed two women with three dogs. One was on a leash, but the other two were running free. They were all big dogs, mixed breed. The two not on a leash commenced to taking shits on the grass. Not in the woods, but in the grass in the park where kids go to play. The women then proceed to enter the woods with the dogs still not leashed. They didn’t pick up their dog’s shit off the grass. I saw a few people in the woods with dogs, all on leashes, and I hope to God that these inconsiderate moron’s two unleashed dogs don’t fight with them, or go up to them and get attacked. People like that shouldn’t be allowed to own dogs in the first place.
To be clear, it’s not the dog’s fault at all, it’s shitty owners.
Joe Biden has selected Dr. Rachel Levine to be his assistant health secretary. She is the health secretary of Pennsylvania, and has done an amazing job during the pandemic, and she deserves the appointment. She also happens to be transgender. I have watched for the past year as Pennsylvania deplorables posted horrible comments about her and transgender people in general. They mock her about her appearance, make crude jokes about her body and genitals, and spread all kinds of false stories about her and her policies and work. They are out in full force today, on posts by local news sources, making terrible and abusive comments about her and transgender people in general. They purposely call her by her male birth name, and refer to her by the wrong pronoun. These people put hate before their own health and welfare, and the welfare of everyone else. Through it all, she has handled herself with bravery, strength and dignity. She is a hero. Even though I know that Biden selected her because she is qualified and has earned it, I still like to also think of her new appointment as a big fuck you to all the hateful and ignorant pieces of shit who are ruled by blind hatred and fear. She is proof that hate will not win.
It should come as no surprise that the Trump administration has fucked up the Vaccine rollout as well. Now it looks like there aren’t enough vaccines for the people who already got the first shot to get the follow up shot in time. It would be bad enough if that meant that people would have to start over and get two more shots when they are available, but it could mean much worse news than that. You know how people tend to take half their course of antibiotics, then stop halfway because they feel better? That’s how we get antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria. Well viruses and bacteria are very different, and vaccine resistance is rare, but it seems like giving half a dose to millions of people is going to up the odds of that happening with Covid-19. Maybe it won’t at all, I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. Still, it seems like it could be a problem.
Even if that isn’t a danger, it’s still inexcusable how badly Trump and his cronies messed this whole thing up. They are incompetant liars, and have already killed over 400,000 people. Still, morons love and defend him.
I’m worried about violence tomorrow, but I’m going to focus on the fact that the nightmare will be over and enjoy watching politics as usual rather than the shitshow we’ve been forced to endure for four years. Tomorrow will be a little nerve wracking, but it will be healing and inspirational, and I don’t think we’ll see anything too crazy from the fringe.
Biden wasn’t my first choice, but I can honestly say that I believe he wants what’s best and is an honorable human being. I haven’t agreed with all of his choices over the years, and I’m sure that I’ll disagree with some of his positions moving forward, but I’ll take it. That amounts to a ringing endorsement from someone like me, a far far left, pseudo communistic anarchist who’s about as cynical as you get about politics.
I realize that I probably buried the lede by going off on dog shit at the top of all this, but I’m too lazy to reorder it now. Oh well. At least I am putting the least important subject last, and the Mets should be used to last place by now.
Mets fans are all excited because we finally have a new owner, and he’s the richest MLB owner in history. He’s willing to spend whatever it takes to win, so Mets fans are now expecting to win every World Series for the next ten years. It doesn’t really work that way, but still, it feels like an exciting time to be a Mets fan. That said, I almost like it more when the Mets manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory every year. It’s hilarious to watch them and their snake bitten ways over the decades. I am torn between wanting the Mets to spend like crazy and build a powerhouse and destroy the rest of the league, and watching them spend all that money and fall prey to bad luck and injury and off field stuff like they alway do. That’s how the Mets roll. And it’s starting already.
Their new hotshot GM they just hired a few months ago has just gotten fired because he sent a female reporter explicit and unsolicited texts in 2016. I mean, in this day and age, how do the Mets not vet him properly?
To their credit, they fired him immediately, but the Mets often do the right thing. That’s why you have to just laugh at all their misfortune. It isn’t karma. They aren’t bad guys. They aren’t the Yankees, for fucks sake. They play by the rules, they work hard, and they implode nonetheless. Oh well, at least I can still laugh about it after fifty years suffering as a Mets fan ...
Monday, January 18, 2021
How I almost lost my bunny
I haven't been on social media much this week, but it's been a really bad week. I thought I was going to lose Maddie, but thankfully, it seems like she's going to be okay.
She stopped eating Tuesday night, but I really didn't notice until Wednesday. There are a few reasons why bunnies don't eat, even things that they normally love. They are finicky, as bad as cats. They sometimes decide that they don't want certain foods. Sometimes they go fill up on hay and you don't notice. Sometimes they're just weird.
Many times though, it is a sign that something is wrong. It could just be gas, or it could be their teeth bothering them, or it could be something much more serious like a blockage or worse. Often when a bunny stops eating, they are dead within a couple of days, if they make it that long. Bunnies have a complex digestive system, and when a bunny stops eating, their gut can shut down within 24 hours. It’s called GI stasis, and it is one of the leading causes of death for bunnies. By Wednesday afternoon, I was getting very worried. I haven’t had any experience with GI stasis with either of my bunnies in fifteen years. I was lucky, I guess.
Maddie was not acting that strangely, other than not being interested in food, no matter what I offered her. I tried massaging her belly to see if that helped, but nothing changed. She had also stopped pooping, which is a very bad sign.
Now normally, I would take her to the vet right away. The problem with that is Pennsylvania’s unemployment insurance program is in complete disarray right now, partly because PA Republicans took away most of their funding years ago to make it harder for people to collect. They have a small workforce, and you can never get a hold of anyone on the phone or email. I have used a redialer app on my phone, and it redialed over 200 times and only ever got a busy signal. The main reason they are having trouble getting people their money is because Trump delayed signing the relief bill until after the cutoff date for the CARES act, and all that information and programming has to be redone.
At any rate, what it meant was that I had no money to take Maddie to the vet. I mean, I have no money whatsoever. My bank account is currently overdrawn and getting hit with fees everyday. By Thursday morning, I was a mess, and my parents offered to pay for the vet, but they don’t have much money right now either. I explained to them that rabbits are exotics, and just taking her there could quickly add up to thousands of dollars. They would need to do x-rays right off the bat, probably keep her overnight, and if it was anything more serious than gas, it would quickly add up. Still, I figured just getting her there would be better than nothing, even if I couldn’t afford much treatment.
Well, it turns out that my rabbit vet retired, and they have no one there who could help, because most vets know nothing about rabbits at all. I had thought I could make some kind of arrangement with them seeing as my family and I had been going there for decades, but we couldn’t even get in the door. Worse still, after a bunch of calls, I soon found out that the nearest vet who would take a rabbit was almost two hours away in Trenton, NJ! They would demand payment up front, and it would be an emergency visit with an exorbitant fee added on. I barely had enough gas in my car to get to my local vet, let alone New Jersey!
It was then that I started to accept the fact that Maddie was going to die. When bunnies go into stasis, there are things you can do. Many bunny owners keep an emergency kit for it. One of the things they have is Metacam, which is a pain reliever. Bunnies in pain don’t eat, but if you can relieve the pain, they will start eating again. Trouble is, Metacam is prescription, and it’s illegal for a vet to prescribe it without seeing the animal, so we were back at square one. The other thing you keep in an emergency kit for buns is Critical Care, which is basically ground up pellets you mix with water and force feed to them. The thing is, if she had a blockage, force feeding her would be bad, so I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted to do.
Then I started thinking really hard about what would make her tummy ache. I suddenly remembered that on Tuesday for lunch I had made a salad, and I was left with a big broccoli stalk. I threw it on Maddie’s treat dish, thinking she would nibble on it a little and I would wind up throwing most of it away. That’s what usually happened. I realized that she had eaten the whole thing! She’s not used to that much broccoli. In the past, I only ever gave her a floret or two now and then. I realized then that she most likely had gas, and it was causing her discomfort.
The other thing that people keep in their emergency kits is gas drops, the kind you give to infants. So I ran up to my parent’s house, borrowed 10 dollars, and headed to the drugstore. You have to use a syringe to get the liquid in their mouths, and rabbits do not like that process one little bit. Especially Maddie. She hates when you have your hands anywhere near her chin or mouth, she is a prey animal. So the rest of Thursday was spent battling Maddie to get doses of the gas drops in her. More of it ran down her chin than got in her mouth, I’m afraid. The end result was that it had no effect at all. It wasn’t working.
Friday afternoon, I contacted the vet to see if they could put her down. I couldn’t afford or even access any treatment for her, and I didn’t want her to suffer. At this point, she hadn’t eaten in three days, and rabbits very rarely make it that long without dying. She didn’t seem like she was in any kind of excruciating pain, but she definitely wasn’t comfortable. She was spending most of her time under the dining room table, hiding away like most animals do if they are sick or dying. She was also hiding from me, because she was scared I was going to try to force gas drops in her. She kept shifting her position, because she couldn’t get comfortable. She was starving to death on top of everything else. It was killing me that I couldn’t help her, and I spent much of this week sobbing uncontrollably.
Then I thought of when I had to put my first rabbit, Tampa, to sleep. There were no rabbit vets on duty that evening, but he was suffering. He had cancer, because that day he had suddenly stopped eating and was going downhill quickly. He was ten years old, and when I picked him up, I was shocked that he weighed almost nothing. So I took him to the vet, and they looked at him and confirmed that he was not going to live long, and I should put him down. The thing is, the vet on duty wasn’t a rabbit vet, so he took Tampa into another room, and it was some 25 minutes later that they brought his body out. They had trouble finding a vein, and ultimately had to inject him directly in the heart. I didn’t want to think about how much he suffered in that 25 minutes until they finally got it done.
I didn’t want Maddie to go through that. She hadn’t moved from under the table almost all day, so I figured she wouldn’t even last until morning. I thought that maybe she would be better off just dying quietly at home, and who knows, maybe there was a miracle out there. I was due. I decided to hold off until Saturday at least.
I hardly slept that night, checking on her constantly and trying in vain to get her to eat. I finally fell asleep around four, and I woke up about 8am and went to check on her, expecting her to be dead. To my surprise, she wasn’t. At that moment, I decided that I was going to try everything I could. I got the gas drops again, and forced the maximum dosage in her. This time, I got it all in. I went and ground up pellets and made my own critical care. I figured at this point, force feeding her couldn’t make it much worse. It turned out that I didn’t have a syringe big enough, so I ran to the pet store with my last five dollars to buy one, but they were opening later than usual due to covid. Okay, no problem, I still had to give her more gas drops anyway, I would just go back later.
Well, Maddie had had enough of gas drops. She wouldn’t let me near her, and when I would finally catch her, she would fight tooth and nail to get away. I was all scratched up, and still no more drops were in her. I tried wrapping her in a blanket, and even that wouldn’t hold her. She took off under the table again, and I felt defeated. She was going to die after all.
A little while later, I thought I heard the sound of gnawing. Maddie hadn’t even bothered to chew on anything the past few days, and chewing was her favorite pastime! I walked over and saw that she was chewing on my old sneaker, and when she saw me, she hopped out from under the table. She was sniffing around, and acting more like Maddie. I went over to her, and she took off under the table again, afraid of the drops. For the hell of it, I went and got her fresh vegetables to see if she would eat, even though I knew she wouldn’t. I was crying as I got under the table, and I told her how much I loved her and put the veggies by her and begged her to eat.
And she did!
She didn’t eat a lot of them, but this was the first time she ate anything in over 4 days! It did seem like a miracle. The only thing is, her gut had definitely shut down, and it can be really hard getting it started again. It was encouraging, but I knew we were a long way off from a full recovery. She needed to poop as well as eat, to make sure that the whole system was working. I fed her some more veggies a little bit later. The gas drops seemed to work, but her poor tummy must still have felt bad, because she wasn’t wolfing them down like a starving bunny should.
A little while later, she hopped over to her litter box, and sat in there for a while. I hoped she was pooping, but you can never tell. It was excruciating, because she was taking her own sweet time about it, and I didn’t want to go near her in case she would run off again. About ten minutes later, she left the box, and I ran over, hoping to see poops. Low and behold, there they were! They were small, and a little runny, but it was something!
So for the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday, I was seeing encouraging signs. Maddie still didn’t want snacks, and still didn’t want to eat a lot, but she did make another small poop twice. She still wasn’t being Maddie, and I was nervous. Even bunnies who go through stasis and start eating will die anyway.
She slept under the table again last night, and this morning I gave her more veggies, and she ate nearly all of them. So I went over to the kitchen doorway where I usually give her treats and breakfast banana, and she ran over and begged! Still, she wouldn’t eat any treats or banana I tried to give her. I got more veggies and went to put them in her cage, and she ran like a shot to the cage, all excited. Still, she just walked away without eating anything. It was frustrating and maddening. Maybe she wasn’t getting better after all.
About 20 minutes later, she was under the coffee table, in her usual spot, something she hadn’t done since Tuesday. She looked up at me, so I picked up the treat container I keep by the couch and shook it, and she jumped up in my lap! She went crazy eating some treats, and then jumped down and headed for the litter box. When she left, I checked, and there were some normal sized poops! She plopped down on the floor, comfortable and seemingly satisfied.
Since then, she has been acting like my Maddie girl. She is investigating, chewing on all kinds of things, even picking at her hay. She is going to make it, and I can’t believe it because all the odds were against her. Who knows, maybe prayers work, because my friends and family who knew what was happening were praying hard and hoping against hope that she would be okay. My family was probably hoping that I would be okay as well, because if I lost Maddie right now, with everything else going on, I don’t know what I would do. I wouldn’t kill myself, but I would probably just give up.
Or I wouldn’t. This period right now is a huge test of my whole positive outlook, because there is a lot of stuff going on that isn’t very positive at all. I guess that’s what hope and faith are about, holding onto to them when it’s hardest. I would go on if something happened to Maddie. I wouldn’t get another bunny right away, but I was already thinking about how I could maybe volunteer at a local shelter or rescue if possible. I will probably still go do that. I still remember that my friends love me and they care; about me and my bunny. I even made a new friend who helped me with some of the stasis stuff, and it helped to talk to another bunny person about everything I was dealing with, so thank you so much Jessica, and thank you Heather for putting me in touch with her! All I know is that I still have my beautiful Maddie girl, so I will get through this other stuff as well.
She stopped eating Tuesday night, but I really didn't notice until Wednesday. There are a few reasons why bunnies don't eat, even things that they normally love. They are finicky, as bad as cats. They sometimes decide that they don't want certain foods. Sometimes they go fill up on hay and you don't notice. Sometimes they're just weird.
Many times though, it is a sign that something is wrong. It could just be gas, or it could be their teeth bothering them, or it could be something much more serious like a blockage or worse. Often when a bunny stops eating, they are dead within a couple of days, if they make it that long. Bunnies have a complex digestive system, and when a bunny stops eating, their gut can shut down within 24 hours. It’s called GI stasis, and it is one of the leading causes of death for bunnies. By Wednesday afternoon, I was getting very worried. I haven’t had any experience with GI stasis with either of my bunnies in fifteen years. I was lucky, I guess.
Maddie was not acting that strangely, other than not being interested in food, no matter what I offered her. I tried massaging her belly to see if that helped, but nothing changed. She had also stopped pooping, which is a very bad sign.
Now normally, I would take her to the vet right away. The problem with that is Pennsylvania’s unemployment insurance program is in complete disarray right now, partly because PA Republicans took away most of their funding years ago to make it harder for people to collect. They have a small workforce, and you can never get a hold of anyone on the phone or email. I have used a redialer app on my phone, and it redialed over 200 times and only ever got a busy signal. The main reason they are having trouble getting people their money is because Trump delayed signing the relief bill until after the cutoff date for the CARES act, and all that information and programming has to be redone.
At any rate, what it meant was that I had no money to take Maddie to the vet. I mean, I have no money whatsoever. My bank account is currently overdrawn and getting hit with fees everyday. By Thursday morning, I was a mess, and my parents offered to pay for the vet, but they don’t have much money right now either. I explained to them that rabbits are exotics, and just taking her there could quickly add up to thousands of dollars. They would need to do x-rays right off the bat, probably keep her overnight, and if it was anything more serious than gas, it would quickly add up. Still, I figured just getting her there would be better than nothing, even if I couldn’t afford much treatment.
Well, it turns out that my rabbit vet retired, and they have no one there who could help, because most vets know nothing about rabbits at all. I had thought I could make some kind of arrangement with them seeing as my family and I had been going there for decades, but we couldn’t even get in the door. Worse still, after a bunch of calls, I soon found out that the nearest vet who would take a rabbit was almost two hours away in Trenton, NJ! They would demand payment up front, and it would be an emergency visit with an exorbitant fee added on. I barely had enough gas in my car to get to my local vet, let alone New Jersey!
It was then that I started to accept the fact that Maddie was going to die. When bunnies go into stasis, there are things you can do. Many bunny owners keep an emergency kit for it. One of the things they have is Metacam, which is a pain reliever. Bunnies in pain don’t eat, but if you can relieve the pain, they will start eating again. Trouble is, Metacam is prescription, and it’s illegal for a vet to prescribe it without seeing the animal, so we were back at square one. The other thing you keep in an emergency kit for buns is Critical Care, which is basically ground up pellets you mix with water and force feed to them. The thing is, if she had a blockage, force feeding her would be bad, so I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted to do.
Then I started thinking really hard about what would make her tummy ache. I suddenly remembered that on Tuesday for lunch I had made a salad, and I was left with a big broccoli stalk. I threw it on Maddie’s treat dish, thinking she would nibble on it a little and I would wind up throwing most of it away. That’s what usually happened. I realized that she had eaten the whole thing! She’s not used to that much broccoli. In the past, I only ever gave her a floret or two now and then. I realized then that she most likely had gas, and it was causing her discomfort.
The other thing that people keep in their emergency kits is gas drops, the kind you give to infants. So I ran up to my parent’s house, borrowed 10 dollars, and headed to the drugstore. You have to use a syringe to get the liquid in their mouths, and rabbits do not like that process one little bit. Especially Maddie. She hates when you have your hands anywhere near her chin or mouth, she is a prey animal. So the rest of Thursday was spent battling Maddie to get doses of the gas drops in her. More of it ran down her chin than got in her mouth, I’m afraid. The end result was that it had no effect at all. It wasn’t working.
Friday afternoon, I contacted the vet to see if they could put her down. I couldn’t afford or even access any treatment for her, and I didn’t want her to suffer. At this point, she hadn’t eaten in three days, and rabbits very rarely make it that long without dying. She didn’t seem like she was in any kind of excruciating pain, but she definitely wasn’t comfortable. She was spending most of her time under the dining room table, hiding away like most animals do if they are sick or dying. She was also hiding from me, because she was scared I was going to try to force gas drops in her. She kept shifting her position, because she couldn’t get comfortable. She was starving to death on top of everything else. It was killing me that I couldn’t help her, and I spent much of this week sobbing uncontrollably.
Then I thought of when I had to put my first rabbit, Tampa, to sleep. There were no rabbit vets on duty that evening, but he was suffering. He had cancer, because that day he had suddenly stopped eating and was going downhill quickly. He was ten years old, and when I picked him up, I was shocked that he weighed almost nothing. So I took him to the vet, and they looked at him and confirmed that he was not going to live long, and I should put him down. The thing is, the vet on duty wasn’t a rabbit vet, so he took Tampa into another room, and it was some 25 minutes later that they brought his body out. They had trouble finding a vein, and ultimately had to inject him directly in the heart. I didn’t want to think about how much he suffered in that 25 minutes until they finally got it done.
I didn’t want Maddie to go through that. She hadn’t moved from under the table almost all day, so I figured she wouldn’t even last until morning. I thought that maybe she would be better off just dying quietly at home, and who knows, maybe there was a miracle out there. I was due. I decided to hold off until Saturday at least.
I hardly slept that night, checking on her constantly and trying in vain to get her to eat. I finally fell asleep around four, and I woke up about 8am and went to check on her, expecting her to be dead. To my surprise, she wasn’t. At that moment, I decided that I was going to try everything I could. I got the gas drops again, and forced the maximum dosage in her. This time, I got it all in. I went and ground up pellets and made my own critical care. I figured at this point, force feeding her couldn’t make it much worse. It turned out that I didn’t have a syringe big enough, so I ran to the pet store with my last five dollars to buy one, but they were opening later than usual due to covid. Okay, no problem, I still had to give her more gas drops anyway, I would just go back later.
Well, Maddie had had enough of gas drops. She wouldn’t let me near her, and when I would finally catch her, she would fight tooth and nail to get away. I was all scratched up, and still no more drops were in her. I tried wrapping her in a blanket, and even that wouldn’t hold her. She took off under the table again, and I felt defeated. She was going to die after all.
A little while later, I thought I heard the sound of gnawing. Maddie hadn’t even bothered to chew on anything the past few days, and chewing was her favorite pastime! I walked over and saw that she was chewing on my old sneaker, and when she saw me, she hopped out from under the table. She was sniffing around, and acting more like Maddie. I went over to her, and she took off under the table again, afraid of the drops. For the hell of it, I went and got her fresh vegetables to see if she would eat, even though I knew she wouldn’t. I was crying as I got under the table, and I told her how much I loved her and put the veggies by her and begged her to eat.
And she did!
She didn’t eat a lot of them, but this was the first time she ate anything in over 4 days! It did seem like a miracle. The only thing is, her gut had definitely shut down, and it can be really hard getting it started again. It was encouraging, but I knew we were a long way off from a full recovery. She needed to poop as well as eat, to make sure that the whole system was working. I fed her some more veggies a little bit later. The gas drops seemed to work, but her poor tummy must still have felt bad, because she wasn’t wolfing them down like a starving bunny should.
A little while later, she hopped over to her litter box, and sat in there for a while. I hoped she was pooping, but you can never tell. It was excruciating, because she was taking her own sweet time about it, and I didn’t want to go near her in case she would run off again. About ten minutes later, she left the box, and I ran over, hoping to see poops. Low and behold, there they were! They were small, and a little runny, but it was something!
So for the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday, I was seeing encouraging signs. Maddie still didn’t want snacks, and still didn’t want to eat a lot, but she did make another small poop twice. She still wasn’t being Maddie, and I was nervous. Even bunnies who go through stasis and start eating will die anyway.
She slept under the table again last night, and this morning I gave her more veggies, and she ate nearly all of them. So I went over to the kitchen doorway where I usually give her treats and breakfast banana, and she ran over and begged! Still, she wouldn’t eat any treats or banana I tried to give her. I got more veggies and went to put them in her cage, and she ran like a shot to the cage, all excited. Still, she just walked away without eating anything. It was frustrating and maddening. Maybe she wasn’t getting better after all.
About 20 minutes later, she was under the coffee table, in her usual spot, something she hadn’t done since Tuesday. She looked up at me, so I picked up the treat container I keep by the couch and shook it, and she jumped up in my lap! She went crazy eating some treats, and then jumped down and headed for the litter box. When she left, I checked, and there were some normal sized poops! She plopped down on the floor, comfortable and seemingly satisfied.
Since then, she has been acting like my Maddie girl. She is investigating, chewing on all kinds of things, even picking at her hay. She is going to make it, and I can’t believe it because all the odds were against her. Who knows, maybe prayers work, because my friends and family who knew what was happening were praying hard and hoping against hope that she would be okay. My family was probably hoping that I would be okay as well, because if I lost Maddie right now, with everything else going on, I don’t know what I would do. I wouldn’t kill myself, but I would probably just give up.
Or I wouldn’t. This period right now is a huge test of my whole positive outlook, because there is a lot of stuff going on that isn’t very positive at all. I guess that’s what hope and faith are about, holding onto to them when it’s hardest. I would go on if something happened to Maddie. I wouldn’t get another bunny right away, but I was already thinking about how I could maybe volunteer at a local shelter or rescue if possible. I will probably still go do that. I still remember that my friends love me and they care; about me and my bunny. I even made a new friend who helped me with some of the stasis stuff, and it helped to talk to another bunny person about everything I was dealing with, so thank you so much Jessica, and thank you Heather for putting me in touch with her! All I know is that I still have my beautiful Maddie girl, so I will get through this other stuff as well.
Tuesday, January 12, 2021
Consequences
The more we learn about the riot and insurrection at the Capitol last week, the worse it gets. We are in the midst of the worst threat against democracy this country has faced since the Civil War. Worse than any war since, worse than any scandal, worse than any recession, worse than any natural disaster, worse than 9/11. It’s not over yet, not by a long shot.
But just like any of those other things, we can learn from this, and we can improve. We now have the ability to spot the enemies of democracy and America, because they came out into the open and exposed themselves for who they really are. That’s why even tragic and catastrophic events like this are a gift. That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid of tyrants and hooligans and bullies, because there are so many more of us than there are of them, and even though it doesn’t seem like it at times, the Constitution and Law are on our side. You can fear what they might be able to accomplish, but don’t be afraid of them. That’s what they want. They are terrorists, after all. Look at what’s happening now. These criminals are being arrested and the GOP is facing consequences, in polls, at their jobs, and with their donors.
So of course they are turning to the old trick that bullies and abusers use next: gaslighting. They are trying to push a narrative that the left is being mean by trying to remove or impeach Trump. They are claiming that we are the ones dividing the country. That’s some grade A bullshit right there. That is how abusive men control their wives, telling them that if they call the police or leave that they are splitting the family apart or forsaking their vows.
The only people who will fall for that are their deplorable supporters, and that’s why they are doing it. They can hope that a few democrats will fall for it, but they know that 75 million or so yahoos will eat it up. The GOP hasn’t been concerned with issues or the welfare of the country for a long time; they are in the enabling business. They only care about giving the horrid one-third of this country soundbites and slogans that exonerate them of any responsibility or blame. The GOP worries about branding and messaging, not about people or lives or democracy, or about any consequences their words might bring.
Now that has come home to roost, and it’s our job to make sure they pay. Any person who was in the Capitol that day rioting or trespassing needs to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Any elected official who incited the mob or voted against certifying Biden’s electoral victory needs to be expelled, censured or impeached. Any corporation, organization or person who facilitated this insurrection needs to be punished as well.
Conservatives love law and order so much, let’s be sure we give it to them.
But just like any of those other things, we can learn from this, and we can improve. We now have the ability to spot the enemies of democracy and America, because they came out into the open and exposed themselves for who they really are. That’s why even tragic and catastrophic events like this are a gift. That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid of tyrants and hooligans and bullies, because there are so many more of us than there are of them, and even though it doesn’t seem like it at times, the Constitution and Law are on our side. You can fear what they might be able to accomplish, but don’t be afraid of them. That’s what they want. They are terrorists, after all. Look at what’s happening now. These criminals are being arrested and the GOP is facing consequences, in polls, at their jobs, and with their donors.
So of course they are turning to the old trick that bullies and abusers use next: gaslighting. They are trying to push a narrative that the left is being mean by trying to remove or impeach Trump. They are claiming that we are the ones dividing the country. That’s some grade A bullshit right there. That is how abusive men control their wives, telling them that if they call the police or leave that they are splitting the family apart or forsaking their vows.
The only people who will fall for that are their deplorable supporters, and that’s why they are doing it. They can hope that a few democrats will fall for it, but they know that 75 million or so yahoos will eat it up. The GOP hasn’t been concerned with issues or the welfare of the country for a long time; they are in the enabling business. They only care about giving the horrid one-third of this country soundbites and slogans that exonerate them of any responsibility or blame. The GOP worries about branding and messaging, not about people or lives or democracy, or about any consequences their words might bring.
Now that has come home to roost, and it’s our job to make sure they pay. Any person who was in the Capitol that day rioting or trespassing needs to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Any elected official who incited the mob or voted against certifying Biden’s electoral victory needs to be expelled, censured or impeached. Any corporation, organization or person who facilitated this insurrection needs to be punished as well.
Conservatives love law and order so much, let’s be sure we give it to them.
Saturday, January 9, 2021
Conan
This really is a great episode, recorded right after the Capitol riot and full of great and funny insights.
https://www.earwolf.com/episode/ron-reagan
Friday, January 8, 2021
Eat along with ferraris: Lunch
Like Trumpers told us the last four years, "fuck your feelings." I mean, you lost, get over it. It's hilarious that we were mocked because we feared that Trump would destroy America, and he's done that more thoroughly than we could have even imagined, yet they are afraid the Dems will give them free Healthcare and social equality...
Good morning! Well, Trumper "patriots" on Wednesday did something unimaginable: they stopped democracy in America for a while. Some GOP leaders did their part in all this, and they should be removed from office for their actions. It's amazing yet not at all surprising that they embody everything they accuse others of being. They caused death and destruction, they were violent and lawless, they attacked (and killed) the police, and they destroyed democracy. They were not protestors, they were a mob, a group of rioters and terrorists, as well as traitors to their country. They tried to destroy the democratic process and overthrow our government, and despite most of them being too dumb to even realize that was what they were doing isn't an excuse. They should be treated as such, every last one of them who set foot in the Capitol that day We all see conservative hypocrisy on display constantly, but this might be the most blatant and vile example of it in modern history. Here's a really great article about how the Capitol Police failed on nearly every level...
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/capitol-police/2021/01/07/fa3114b8-5114-11eb-83e3-322644d82356_story.html
Thursday, January 7, 2021
Walking In The Woods
I’ve been trying to get out of the apartment and get a little exercise in the process for the past week. I try to take a hike on some of the many trails in my area every day now. It doesn’t exactly clear my head and relax me, but it helps just the same. I wrote this Monday:
Shortly after waking up today, I had one of those rare stretches where I really felt like giving up. It's been a rough year, for all of us, and the last few days have been like one gut punch after another. So I went for another walk in the woods, half thinking that it will either clear my mind or give me a good place for them to find my body (jk; sort of). At any rate, it didn't clear my mind, but I'm still here, so that's something positive, right? Even though it didn't bring me any epiphanies or calming inner peace, it gave me time to think about the thing that always brings me back to who I am: the people I love. I thought about friends and family who are always there for me. I thought about the people who depend on me. I thought about people I know who are dealing with a lot more than I am. I thought about a lot of the good things that are still left in the world, even if some of them are out of my reach right now. Plus, I saw some birds. They were small, and sort of bluish, and they were flitting among the branches of the saplings lining the path as I walked. They were staying a little ahead of me, but still checking me out and pacing me along the trail. I talked to them a little as I walked, and I didn't feel so alone and hopeless anymore. I realized I lived in a world where I could walk amongst the trees while tiny dinosaurs flitted and chirped all around me, and I decided I still want to keep trying and see how it all plays out…
So yeah, it helps. Here’s some pictures I took along the way. You can find more of them on my Instagram https://www.instagram.com/leifye1/ if you want to keep up.
Food!
Just some food posts from the past week or so people might have missed. I’m still dieting and trying to eat right!
Cleaning out my fridge omelette: spinach, ricotta, mozzarella and tomatoes. About 380 calories, and only a few carbs.
My belated birthday dinner. I always have scallops on my birthday (which was last month) but I didn't get around to it until now. Seared scallops in a garlic mustard sauce with capers, and sautéed spinach and mushrooms. It was delicious, but not really diet food, but still hardly any carbs, so I'm good!
Lunch was a chicken Caesar wrap (with Gardein veggie chicken strips) in a low carb tortilla, and turnip fries (which I went a little crazy on the seasonings and they were spicy!) Dipping sauce is ketchup, mayo, chili powder, horseradish, and is a lot better tasting than it might sound) Whole thing was a little over 300 calories, about 10 grams of carbs.
Cleaning out my fridge omelette: spinach, ricotta, mozzarella and tomatoes. About 380 calories, and only a few carbs.
My belated birthday dinner. I always have scallops on my birthday (which was last month) but I didn't get around to it until now. Seared scallops in a garlic mustard sauce with capers, and sautéed spinach and mushrooms. It was delicious, but not really diet food, but still hardly any carbs, so I'm good!
Lunch was a chicken Caesar wrap (with Gardein veggie chicken strips) in a low carb tortilla, and turnip fries (which I went a little crazy on the seasonings and they were spicy!) Dipping sauce is ketchup, mayo, chili powder, horseradish, and is a lot better tasting than it might sound) Whole thing was a little over 300 calories, about 10 grams of carbs.
Fun At The Capitol
So what happened in DC yesterday was horrific. It was something none of us could have ever imagined happening in America. It was an attack on democracy itself, like something you would expect to see in some country where coups and dictatorships are the norm, not in the country that’s supposed to be the shining beacon of democracy.
Yet as terrible as it was and as reprehensible as the people who stoked and perpetrated it are, I like when the world goes crazy. I feel just as outraged as you do, but I don’t let it affect my day. I love people, and I have nothing but hope for the human race, but I also understand that there is still that portion of the population who are just a nightmare and are maybe even irredeemable. It is a good thing to keep that in mind; it isn’t a large percentage of the country that invaded the Capitol. It was a bunch of insane cult members and conspiracy nuts, most of them either mentally ill or so grossly uninformed that they can’t function in normal society. Some of them are just plain stupid as well.
But whatever. I like anarchy. This wasn’t exactly anarchy in the sense that anarchists don’t usually fight and riot to keep the king on his throne, they do it to lead the king to the guillotine. These idiots can’t even get that right. It’s like going to the casino and rooting for the house.
It is turmoil though, and I’ll tell you why I like it. I like it because it means that things are breaking down. Why do I like that? Because I think that all of our institutions are so corrupted and so damaged that they are irreparable at this point. Everything needs to be torn down and rebuilt from the foundation up, and people aren’t willing to do that unless things get really scary and uncomfortable. Some republicans are actually defying and breaking with Trump, finally, after 4 years of horror. The Capitol Police Chief just resigned. Democrats are drawing up articles of impeachment and republicans are debating on removing him from power. Sometimes it takes horror to hit people over the head and enact change on the scale we need it to happen.
This is the culmination of years of abuse and obstruction by the GOP, and pandering to horrible fringe elements in their constituency. It took Trump to really drag them down, and also to bring the problems in this country into the light and expose the deplorables for the terrible people they are. If this is what it takes for people to act, then I’m all for it.
To be honest, the thing that really disgusts me most is how easily a mob of armed white people can storm the Capitol in the first place. I think that the cops were overwhelmed at that point, and they weren’t going to stop the rioters by the time they started heading for the Capitol, but it never should have gotten to that point. They should have dispersed the crowd much earlier, as it was marching through the streets of DC. If it was a BLM protest, it would have been gassed and fired upon before they even arrived. They never would have gotten that far, and even if it had, they would have been tear gassed and beaten at that point. The Capitol Police have aggressively and violently removed women, sick people, handicapped people, and any other group of people who protested in the Capitol Building in the past. They have dragged people from their wheelchairs. They have acted like thugs in the past, but yesterday they posed for selfies with terrorists.
We have a real problem with the police everywhere in this country. “Some of those that work forces are the same who burn crosses,” and it’s rampant. Racism runs through law enforcement in this country like a cancer. We all know that, but it is going to take even more evidence than yesterday to change it. George Floyd didn’t even change it. It got us talking, but nothing has really changed yet.
And that’s nothing new. Sandy Hook didn’t change gun laws, and neither did a bunch of other mass shootings. Centuries of racism and poverty and the horrors of war haven’t stopped any of those things. Four years of Trump and GOP treason and lawlessness didn’t make enough of a difference. Not until yesterday, when an angry mob spurred on by a traitorous president and his corrupt party smashed and grabbed their way through one of our most sacred buildings.
That’s why I like seeing mayhem and turmoil and anarchy, even if the people involved aren’t fighting the good fight. They are exposing everything wrong with who they are and what they stand for, and that’s going to have to be good enough.
Yet as terrible as it was and as reprehensible as the people who stoked and perpetrated it are, I like when the world goes crazy. I feel just as outraged as you do, but I don’t let it affect my day. I love people, and I have nothing but hope for the human race, but I also understand that there is still that portion of the population who are just a nightmare and are maybe even irredeemable. It is a good thing to keep that in mind; it isn’t a large percentage of the country that invaded the Capitol. It was a bunch of insane cult members and conspiracy nuts, most of them either mentally ill or so grossly uninformed that they can’t function in normal society. Some of them are just plain stupid as well.
But whatever. I like anarchy. This wasn’t exactly anarchy in the sense that anarchists don’t usually fight and riot to keep the king on his throne, they do it to lead the king to the guillotine. These idiots can’t even get that right. It’s like going to the casino and rooting for the house.
It is turmoil though, and I’ll tell you why I like it. I like it because it means that things are breaking down. Why do I like that? Because I think that all of our institutions are so corrupted and so damaged that they are irreparable at this point. Everything needs to be torn down and rebuilt from the foundation up, and people aren’t willing to do that unless things get really scary and uncomfortable. Some republicans are actually defying and breaking with Trump, finally, after 4 years of horror. The Capitol Police Chief just resigned. Democrats are drawing up articles of impeachment and republicans are debating on removing him from power. Sometimes it takes horror to hit people over the head and enact change on the scale we need it to happen.
This is the culmination of years of abuse and obstruction by the GOP, and pandering to horrible fringe elements in their constituency. It took Trump to really drag them down, and also to bring the problems in this country into the light and expose the deplorables for the terrible people they are. If this is what it takes for people to act, then I’m all for it.
To be honest, the thing that really disgusts me most is how easily a mob of armed white people can storm the Capitol in the first place. I think that the cops were overwhelmed at that point, and they weren’t going to stop the rioters by the time they started heading for the Capitol, but it never should have gotten to that point. They should have dispersed the crowd much earlier, as it was marching through the streets of DC. If it was a BLM protest, it would have been gassed and fired upon before they even arrived. They never would have gotten that far, and even if it had, they would have been tear gassed and beaten at that point. The Capitol Police have aggressively and violently removed women, sick people, handicapped people, and any other group of people who protested in the Capitol Building in the past. They have dragged people from their wheelchairs. They have acted like thugs in the past, but yesterday they posed for selfies with terrorists.
We have a real problem with the police everywhere in this country. “Some of those that work forces are the same who burn crosses,” and it’s rampant. Racism runs through law enforcement in this country like a cancer. We all know that, but it is going to take even more evidence than yesterday to change it. George Floyd didn’t even change it. It got us talking, but nothing has really changed yet.
And that’s nothing new. Sandy Hook didn’t change gun laws, and neither did a bunch of other mass shootings. Centuries of racism and poverty and the horrors of war haven’t stopped any of those things. Four years of Trump and GOP treason and lawlessness didn’t make enough of a difference. Not until yesterday, when an angry mob spurred on by a traitorous president and his corrupt party smashed and grabbed their way through one of our most sacred buildings.
That’s why I like seeing mayhem and turmoil and anarchy, even if the people involved aren’t fighting the good fight. They are exposing everything wrong with who they are and what they stand for, and that’s going to have to be good enough.
Catch Up
Well, it’s been a crazy week or so. So much for 2021 being better than 2020! First off, Happy New Year to everyone. I’m sorry I couldn’t really be there with you all for it. Even though our democracy teeters even closer to anarchy and tyranny, it will all be okay. These are the last gasps of a bunch of desperate creeps. The better thing to concentrate on is the fact that we won the two Senate seats in Georgia. Who really thought that would happen?
I was saying all kinds of optimistic things right after the general election about how nothing is over and we could still win the Senate. I said to have faith in people’s better nature. I said a lot of stuff, but in my heart I didn’t really think we had a very good shot at it. The thing I learned about hope and faith and positivity though is that sometimes you have to believe, even if it seems hopeless. That’s when your faith gets tested. If worse comes to worse, just fake it til you make it! What’s the worst that can happen, you get disappointed? Disappointment is pretty much a constant companion these days, so what’s a little bit more? Or maybe you’ll be wrong and look like a fool. Again, I am not afraid to look like a fool, that much should be painfully obvious.
And believe me, I have no crazy notions that me being positive affected the outcome one little bit. Besides Stacey Abrams, who I’m in love with btw, Trump and the GOP took care of that for us. Shitty behavior almost always comes back to bite you in the ass eventually, so karma is usually waiting around the corner.
The point is, you can choose what reality you want to live in. Trump and his supporters do it everyday. I choose to live in a reality where I have hope, and my head is filled with positive visions of the future rather than doomsday predictions. It’s all about control anyway. We are afraid to hope, because we think that we will jinx ourselves. We are afraid to believe in a better outcome because we feel we will somehow be punished for it. I just choose a different way to try to control the outcome of things that I have no control over, and it has the same effect as being despondent, but I’m happier while I do it.
So don’t be afraid to hope. Better things are coming. January 20th will be a huge upgrade all in itself. One of the first things the democrats will do is pass the voter act that’s been sitting on McConnell’s desk for years. It will put an end to much of the gerrymandering and voter suppression, and the GOP may never win another race.
I’m not saying that everything will magically be better overnight. Bad shit is still going to happen, and a lot of the horrible people Trump has inspired aren’t going away soon, but now we will have an administration and a justice department that will punish them rather than coddle them. The GOP is a mess, and eating their own. There is a vaccine, and while we still have to endure a few more months of misery, there’s a light on the horizon. There will be pain and heartache and loss, but there will be joy and laughter and kindness. There will be achievements and there will progress. There will be love.
Always.
I was saying all kinds of optimistic things right after the general election about how nothing is over and we could still win the Senate. I said to have faith in people’s better nature. I said a lot of stuff, but in my heart I didn’t really think we had a very good shot at it. The thing I learned about hope and faith and positivity though is that sometimes you have to believe, even if it seems hopeless. That’s when your faith gets tested. If worse comes to worse, just fake it til you make it! What’s the worst that can happen, you get disappointed? Disappointment is pretty much a constant companion these days, so what’s a little bit more? Or maybe you’ll be wrong and look like a fool. Again, I am not afraid to look like a fool, that much should be painfully obvious.
And believe me, I have no crazy notions that me being positive affected the outcome one little bit. Besides Stacey Abrams, who I’m in love with btw, Trump and the GOP took care of that for us. Shitty behavior almost always comes back to bite you in the ass eventually, so karma is usually waiting around the corner.
The point is, you can choose what reality you want to live in. Trump and his supporters do it everyday. I choose to live in a reality where I have hope, and my head is filled with positive visions of the future rather than doomsday predictions. It’s all about control anyway. We are afraid to hope, because we think that we will jinx ourselves. We are afraid to believe in a better outcome because we feel we will somehow be punished for it. I just choose a different way to try to control the outcome of things that I have no control over, and it has the same effect as being despondent, but I’m happier while I do it.
So don’t be afraid to hope. Better things are coming. January 20th will be a huge upgrade all in itself. One of the first things the democrats will do is pass the voter act that’s been sitting on McConnell’s desk for years. It will put an end to much of the gerrymandering and voter suppression, and the GOP may never win another race.
I’m not saying that everything will magically be better overnight. Bad shit is still going to happen, and a lot of the horrible people Trump has inspired aren’t going away soon, but now we will have an administration and a justice department that will punish them rather than coddle them. The GOP is a mess, and eating their own. There is a vaccine, and while we still have to endure a few more months of misery, there’s a light on the horizon. There will be pain and heartache and loss, but there will be joy and laughter and kindness. There will be achievements and there will progress. There will be love.
Always.
Why This?
Well, I got banned for 30 days from Facebook just for suggesting that Trump be treated like the traitor that he is:
I mean, that’s what they do to traitors, right?
Anywho, I can sit here and rail against the wacky and hypocritical community standards Facebook uses, but what’s the point? It’s all been said, and complaining about it will achieve nothing.
So I made this blog to have a place to post my thoughts on everything that’s going on right now, and because I miss all my friends. I feel like I have some people who count on me as a bright spot in the world, or at least a voice of calm and reason during troubling times. You know, when I’m not calling for the execution of the President.
And of course, I might just be a raging narcissist who’s missing his fix. Personally, I think I’m too full of self loathing to be a narcissist, but who knows? Mental disorders are confusing.
Let me catch you up on my life really quick. I’m still riddled with anxiety about what’s going on with unemployment. I haven’t been able to collect in nearly a month, and I’m broke. PA is having glitches and issues with their website and accounts are getting deleted and payments aren’t going out. I can’t even try claiming my money until this Sunday(the 10th), and I’m not sure that I’ll be able to then. Some people are saying that the state won’t be able to start sending out money until the 16th, and in that case, I’m really in trouble. Looks like I’m going to be heading to the pawn shop. I didn’t get any stimulus, and I don’t think that I will at this point. The only chance I have is to claim it on my 2020 taxes, but I can’t even get my 1099 form from unemployment to file. If I do get it, it won’t be for months. Thanks IRS!
I have started getting out and hiking most days. I like the woods, and there are plenty of trails around here. Thing is, walking through the woods and having quiet time isn’t as relaxing as they make it sound. It gives me more time to think, and that means focusing on irrational fears, which really ratchets up the anxiety. I also apparently have PTSD from that time the bear ate my finger, because I keep thinking about how there might be bears in the woods, and I have a low grade panic going on most of the time as I listen intently for any bear that might be approaching. Never mind that they are hibernating right now, and no one has been attacked by a bear in my area for decades. Like I said, mental disorders are confusing.
I’m still sticking to my diet and cooking up a storm, although my weight loss has slowed a bit. My body has adapted to less calories, and it’s harder to drop weight as fast as I was. I have lost over 45 lbs since October, but only 5 lbs of that has come in the last few weeks. The stress has me eating a little more than I should some days, even if it is healthy food. Luckily, the depression makes me go without eating some days, so there’s a silver lining. My anxiety and depression are working hand in hand for a better me! Mental disorders are confusing.
I’m trying to stay positive though, and I’m hanging in there. When I feel like it’s all pointless and maybe it’s just too much to go on, I make myself do something productive. It might just be cleaning the kitchen or taking the trash out, but accomplishing anything makes me feel better. I am writing most every day, and working on stuff that you will all see at some point.
I also think of all of you. I always tell you how my friends are an inspiration, and I mean that. I know that a lot of you are dealing with worse stuff than me, and yet you are all strong and still going on. A lot of you have helped me out, and I can’t even begin to thank you enough. They say “hell is other people,” but other people can be heaven as well.
I spent a lot of my life convincing myself that I was a misanthrope and that I hated people, but I realized some time ago that it’s not true. I wanted to hate people, mostly because I had been treated badly throughout the first half of my life. I learned to play defense, because I had to in order to survive. I finally realized that I needed to examine my worldview, and let some walls down. What I found is that most people are good, or at the very least they are harmless. When you open yourself up to possibilities, you find some good things.
What also changed is that I found better people. Social media opened up the world to me, and I have found so many lovely people online. I guess I found my tribe, which is a term that I hate, but I’ll allow it here. The thing about my tribe is that most of them don’t want to be part of a tribe. They are individual and critical thinkers and wary of crowds. In fact, a bunch of them are damaged just like me. We have a lot of shared experiences in our lives, and we seem to have the same anxieties and existential dread. We also have the same sense of humor, and the same empathy and kindness and love that threatens to make our hearts burst with it all, even as it breaks our hearts at the same time. But yeah, mostly the existential dread.
Like I said, mental disorders are confusing, but at least you can still bond over them.
P.S. You can also follow me on Instagram and Twitter:
https://www.instagram.com/leifye1/
https://twitter.com/DavidFerraris
I mean, that’s what they do to traitors, right?
Anywho, I can sit here and rail against the wacky and hypocritical community standards Facebook uses, but what’s the point? It’s all been said, and complaining about it will achieve nothing.
So I made this blog to have a place to post my thoughts on everything that’s going on right now, and because I miss all my friends. I feel like I have some people who count on me as a bright spot in the world, or at least a voice of calm and reason during troubling times. You know, when I’m not calling for the execution of the President.
And of course, I might just be a raging narcissist who’s missing his fix. Personally, I think I’m too full of self loathing to be a narcissist, but who knows? Mental disorders are confusing.
Let me catch you up on my life really quick. I’m still riddled with anxiety about what’s going on with unemployment. I haven’t been able to collect in nearly a month, and I’m broke. PA is having glitches and issues with their website and accounts are getting deleted and payments aren’t going out. I can’t even try claiming my money until this Sunday(the 10th), and I’m not sure that I’ll be able to then. Some people are saying that the state won’t be able to start sending out money until the 16th, and in that case, I’m really in trouble. Looks like I’m going to be heading to the pawn shop. I didn’t get any stimulus, and I don’t think that I will at this point. The only chance I have is to claim it on my 2020 taxes, but I can’t even get my 1099 form from unemployment to file. If I do get it, it won’t be for months. Thanks IRS!
I have started getting out and hiking most days. I like the woods, and there are plenty of trails around here. Thing is, walking through the woods and having quiet time isn’t as relaxing as they make it sound. It gives me more time to think, and that means focusing on irrational fears, which really ratchets up the anxiety. I also apparently have PTSD from that time the bear ate my finger, because I keep thinking about how there might be bears in the woods, and I have a low grade panic going on most of the time as I listen intently for any bear that might be approaching. Never mind that they are hibernating right now, and no one has been attacked by a bear in my area for decades. Like I said, mental disorders are confusing.
I’m still sticking to my diet and cooking up a storm, although my weight loss has slowed a bit. My body has adapted to less calories, and it’s harder to drop weight as fast as I was. I have lost over 45 lbs since October, but only 5 lbs of that has come in the last few weeks. The stress has me eating a little more than I should some days, even if it is healthy food. Luckily, the depression makes me go without eating some days, so there’s a silver lining. My anxiety and depression are working hand in hand for a better me! Mental disorders are confusing.
I’m trying to stay positive though, and I’m hanging in there. When I feel like it’s all pointless and maybe it’s just too much to go on, I make myself do something productive. It might just be cleaning the kitchen or taking the trash out, but accomplishing anything makes me feel better. I am writing most every day, and working on stuff that you will all see at some point.
I also think of all of you. I always tell you how my friends are an inspiration, and I mean that. I know that a lot of you are dealing with worse stuff than me, and yet you are all strong and still going on. A lot of you have helped me out, and I can’t even begin to thank you enough. They say “hell is other people,” but other people can be heaven as well.
I spent a lot of my life convincing myself that I was a misanthrope and that I hated people, but I realized some time ago that it’s not true. I wanted to hate people, mostly because I had been treated badly throughout the first half of my life. I learned to play defense, because I had to in order to survive. I finally realized that I needed to examine my worldview, and let some walls down. What I found is that most people are good, or at the very least they are harmless. When you open yourself up to possibilities, you find some good things.
What also changed is that I found better people. Social media opened up the world to me, and I have found so many lovely people online. I guess I found my tribe, which is a term that I hate, but I’ll allow it here. The thing about my tribe is that most of them don’t want to be part of a tribe. They are individual and critical thinkers and wary of crowds. In fact, a bunch of them are damaged just like me. We have a lot of shared experiences in our lives, and we seem to have the same anxieties and existential dread. We also have the same sense of humor, and the same empathy and kindness and love that threatens to make our hearts burst with it all, even as it breaks our hearts at the same time. But yeah, mostly the existential dread.
Like I said, mental disorders are confusing, but at least you can still bond over them.
P.S. You can also follow me on Instagram and Twitter:
https://www.instagram.com/leifye1/
https://twitter.com/DavidFerraris
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